I was stuck in a real random malaise today. I have my theories as to why I was in such a funk today but I can’t say for sure that I know what had me.
I thought maybe it was the Reno, Nev. heat doing a number on me. I have such a low threshold for being uncomfortable that it’s utterly laughable. If it’s too hot, or if there’s a pebble in my shoe, or if I have a hang nail or chapped lips; all of a sudden, everything sucks. I’m grateful that at the very least, I can tell when I’m having a bad day and am pretty good about not letting my inner attitude bring anyone else down. Sadly, the only person that I sometimes allow myself to spread my ill-feelings to is April but I suppose that’s part of being so closely connected.
Recapping my day will probably uncover a few instances that helped me along to my sour mood. I woke up a little late for breakfast, which is a completely regular occurrence for me–but I decided not to go to breakfast at all since we were just eating at the operations director’s room. I skipped out on practice altogether so that I could stay in the room and do some work. While I wasn’t upset by the fact that I missed breakfast and practice, I was already in a more volatile mood because I had not eaten.
By the time lunch came around, I walked down with my roommate (who by the way is not an easy person to have a conversation with). Here comes the first minute detail that I figure played a factor in my malady. As I made my way to the elevator with my roommate, I tried to strike up a conversation and of course received the same one-liners from him. When the doors opened, two of our players were in there and all of a sudden, he opened up like a spring flower in bloom and talked all jovially with the girls. I don’t have anything to prove and I’m not trying to hook up with any of my players so I didn’t care for his antics. As we walked out to the buffet, all he did was talk to the players and I walked behind. The bleeding stopped when we got to the door and one of the players held the door for me. I told her to walk on through.
When we got to the buffet, I headed straight for the food rather than staking out a space at a table. I suppose that was my mistake. When I returned, I noticed one open seat at the staff table and asked if it was taken. Apparently, it was taken. We had a couple of extra people eating with us on this day including coach’s wife and the father of our director so in a quick decision, I put my food down at a long table. I was set to eat all by myself. Rather than stand in the aisle looking awkward, I put my stuff down and busted out my phone to write an e-mail to ESPN that really could have waited. I used that as my excuse to stand a little longer. Eventually, my brain settled me down and I embraced being able to eat alone and enjoy the food.
Things weren’t so bad even though I felt like everyone there was watching me chew on my prime rib lunch. One of the freshmen came over and asked why I was sitting alone and while that was sweet of her, it only served to remind me that, oh yeah, I was eating alone. Then, as I was finishing my first plate of food, one of the assistant coaches came over and asked me where I got the nickname “J-Wu”. Thank you captain obvious. That’s the No. 1 question you ask someone when you feel sorry for having left them to eat by themselves and you decide to go and sit down with them. Well, duh, I got that nickname from my name. It’s really just my first initial and my last name if you hadn’t noticed. That was what was going through my brain even though I was grateful that someone saw fit to come over and at least talk to me briefly.
I finished off my meal and got some dessert and sat with two of my favorite players, Kristen and Hana. I can never tell if they feel like they can’t come sit with the staff or if they don’t want to sit with the adults. Either way, they’re always welcoming when I come around so I appreciated their hospitality. My dessert of choice was bread pudding. After prime rib and shrimp cocktail on my first plate and an enchilada and stir fried vegetables on my second plate, I was really hitting my food-intake limit. I sat there and realized that I couldn’t end my meal with savory. It reminded me of when I had a slice of coconut cream pie the night before and thought about how I can’t end my day without a sweet. It’s really not a fun realization to have.
While I haven’t been gaining weight, I’ve certainly not been losing weight lately. It has been hard to find time to exercise, admittedly. Even though I control my portions pretty well still, I haven’t been eating the choice foods I used to get when I was more strict about what I ate. I think that alone has contributed to my overall laziness and malaise lately. It’s a lack of confidence in some sense because I don’t have that extra pep in my step from knowing that I’m living a healthy lifestyle from day to day.
Did I mention it was hot here today? That never helps. I got back from lunch and continued to work until I felt a little tired. I made the mistake of lying down on the bed to rest. I opened my eyes to notice that the clock read 2:36 p.m. I needed to be down at the bus at 2:45 p.m. so I rushed to clean everything up for the match and ran out. Only once I had boarded the bus did I realize that I forgot to put my contacts in. I was groggy and tired from the accidental nap and that feeling continued when I got to the gym. There, I had to sit in the bleachers uncomfortably working on some bios. I thought more about my lack of exercise while sitting there, scrunched up. It all kind of came to a head when I mentioned it to our director of operations that today was not a good day.
I told her that while I sat up in the bleachers, some kids playing around next to me drew my ire and I stared down their fathers. It wasn’t a big deal but I was just fed up with everything and anything and everything was annoying and irritating at that point. I at least felt the comfort of knowing that I felt close enough to her to share that and I my spirits were lifted when she actually sat down and made me smile by dropping a line from Dumb and Dumber. That’s mostly where my malaise ended even thought I had more troubles later in the evening from my MS Outlook not working to getting a stomach ache to just feeling bored with my roommate.
It is indeed contemplative days like this when I realize that something needs to change about my day-to-day. There’s not much time to make sweeping changes at the moment because of my tight fall schedule but I know I must fight hard to make this work. It’s easy to make excuses and I know all about that–which is why I’m not going to let my lack of time be the reason I don’t put in the effort to get exercise at least a couple times a week or make sure I eat the healthy foods I used to eat all the time.
To some degree, I feel like I need the support of my wife more than anything but if you give me a few seconds to think that one through, I’ll turn it around because I know that I am the leader of this household and my attitude and choices often prevail. It starts at the top to put it another way. We’ll see how it goes when I get back to the East Bay tomorrow afternoon. It’s tough knowing that I’ll need to do laundry and get packed to depart for Hawai’i on Wednesday morning but this is the life I chose and I always feel like what doesn’t kill me can only make me stronger. I will be a better person for having endured all the stuff that irks me. I’m certainly looking forward to emerging on the other side.
For not, here’s to hoping my next 1500-word essay about my once-in-a-while depression days doesn’t come along for a while.